Saturday, March 23, 2013

28 Goals for my 28th Year.

I turned 28 yesterday. I'm inching closer and closer to 30 everyday. At 28 I've been with my husband 10 years in November, married 5 years in June. I have a daughter who will be 3 in July and I have a son who was born in December. My life is full and happy. Eric and I have been talking a lot about being better in all aspects of our lives and then I saw this post by NotSuperJustMom and it inspired me to think about what I want to do in my 28th year and actually put it in writing instead of just talking about it.

My 28 things:

1. Read more- I love to read, I was (for the most part) and only child and reading was my favorite thing to do as a child. It still is. With two kids though it's not nearly as easy as it used to be. I have a kindle, and I've downloaded the kindle app on my phone so when I'm nursing Finn my latest book is always accessible. Here is my goodread's profile if you want to friend me. My goal is 50 books for the year which might be a bit much but it will push me!

2. Less screen time- Between the TV, my phone, and the laptop I'm always watching something. I want to be better about putting it all down and shutting it all off to spend time with my kids. This is hard for me because as a SAHM all of those things are my "adult" conversation and seemingly help keep me sane. I'd like to try one day a week of no screen time but we will work our way towards that.

3. Workout- Finn is almost 3 months old, and while I am comfortable at my weight right now(5-10 pounds heavier than pre-pregnancy) I would like to build my muscle tone as well as my stamina. Eric & I really want to get out and go hiking/biking and playing with the kids this summer and I want to be able to keep up and not be out of breath!

4. Date Eric- I would us to have one date night per month to just get out and be us, no kids, even if it is just a short ride and an ice cream, just a few minutes out of the house to remember before the kids there was us.

5. & 6.  Write- This one totally counts as two(don't judge me!). I want to write more, I used to love writing in graded school and high school but I haven't taken the time in way to long to just write. My goal is to write a blog post once a week (ha!) and to keep a journal for my own thoughts, things I'm not willing to share with anyone else, or as a first step to a blog post.

7. More me time- As a SAHM I don't get a lot of me time. The kids are tandem napping still in the afternoon but I find that time taken up with my part time job. Thankfully I am able to do that from home, but I want just 2 or 3 hours a week to myself. Showers, eating and going to the bathroom do NOT count as me time. Despite how nice that would be. I will compromise and say that cooking, cleaning and laundry can count as me time.

8. Learn my camera- I have a Canon DSLR and I absolutely love it. I, however, do it NO justice whatsoever. I took an online photography class at the same time we were moving into our new house 2 years ago. Needless to say the class didn't get all the attention it deserved. I need to get out the manual as well as the class printouts and start over again.

9. Kid dates- Eric & I talked a lot before having Finn that we wanted the kids to have one-on-one time with us. Easier said than done with work, life schedules and all the other things we have going on. I would like once a month for Kenz (and Finn when he's a bit older) to have a "date" with each of us, separately or together for some one-on-one interaction.

10. Friends- I don't have a lot of friends, but I want to be a better friend to the ones I do have. Life happens, so we don't always get to see each other as much as we would like, especially with the kids all running around now. I want to make it a priority to at least once a week touch base (via phone, text, email, facebook, whatever) with my friends just to say hi.

11. Yard sale crafts- Thank you Pinterest (and my grandmothers) I cannot wait to hit some yard sales this summer and find craft projects that I can do with the kids and find a creative outlet. I am the least creative person ever so this should be interesting.

12.& 13. Save $2800 & Pay off my & car- Financially we are ok. I mean, you can always have more money right? We had a really good nest egg set aside and some things came up with the sale of our old house so that took all of our nest egg and then some(can anyone say thank you Daddy?). We are back to having an ok amount in savings but our goal is to be debt free (aside from our mortgage) as soon as possible. I would like to see a certain number in our savings account and $2800 happens to be what it will take to get there. With that, we do owe money to my Dad, not a huge amount but enough. Plus we still owe a decent chunk on my car. If we continue our spending habits though and Eric decides not to race this summer we should be able to have everything paid off except for the mortgage by at least next spring, hopefully sooner.  At that point we will hopefully be able to double up our mortgage payments and have the house paid off in 7ish years.

14. Random act of kindness- I read a lot about people doing random acts of kindness and I think it is so amazing and kind. I want to do one of these per month if I can. Simple things, buying a drink for someone at the store or paying for someones meal that is behind me in line or beside me in a restaurant. I want to teach my children these things.

15. Find a babysitter we trust- We do have a babysitter, an amazing one, who happens to be my husband's mother. She is our ONLY babysitter. Her schedule with farming is sometimes sort of screwy so plans we have made don't always happen because something comes up. I would like to find a high school girl (or boy I suppose) who has a little bit more of a flexible schedule and who we trust as a second babysitter so we have a good chance of always having someone to stay with the kids.

16 Hike Mount Pisgah- Eric and I have made a list of things we want to do with the kids this summer and hiking is one of the top ones. We have a few mountains near us and we've hiked Pisgah a few times but never quite made it all the way to the top. I want to do it and reach the top, all 4 of us!

17. Try running- I read quite a few blogs and it seems like everyone is trying running. Running is never something that has been a "thing" for me, but I can see now with two children how it would appeal. Being able to get out of the house alone, the quiet, thoughts to myself, I'd like to at least attempt it and who knows, maybe I'll like it.

18. Get out of my comfort zone more - This applies to so many areas of my life. Eric & I were signed up to take a couples dance class which would have been so completely out of our element but it got canceled. We were both sad because it was something we were really looking forward too. I'm trying to change up my wardrobe and add more color and just different things. I'm mostly a jeans and tee girl but I want to be able to change it up. Especially since 99% of my life is spent in yoga pants and a sweatshirt. Especially in the middle of winter, and yes I know it is technically spring but there is still snow on the ground people!

19. Make a *real* long distance friend on Twitter and write real letters/emails- I have met some truly awesome, amazing people on Twitter and have great conversations with them. However, I would love to find a pen pal like friend, to write real letters and *gasp* mail them! Or even just be able to email or chat (outside of Twitter) about anything. So... I'll be accepting applications if anyone is interested! ;)

20. Decide where to get footprint tattoo on my body and DO IT- As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Finn I started talking about what I wanted to get for a tattoo for my children, I've had a few different ideas. Ranging for birth month flowers to something with there birthstone colors. I think I've finally decided to get their footprints with names and dates of birth. I need to now decide where on my body to get it and just schedule it to get it done! I'm really excited about this.

21. Finn's birth story- It took me forever to write Kenz's birth story, and I'm sure I forgot things so I want to get Finn's done as soon as I can so I have all the details still in my brain.

22. Monthly emails to kids- I set up an email for Kenz (and need to do Finn's) and I want Eric & I both to send the kids monthly emails, nothing major just maybe a funny story that we otherwise wouldn't remember or just to remind them how amazing they are.

23. More (extended) family time- Those of you with kids know how hard it is to get out and see anyone or make plans. Eric and I are lucky in that we have really good relationships with our grandparents, parents, cousins, etc. We hardly ever get the chance to see anyone to actually sit down and chat. I would like to once a week (or once a month realistically) be able to have a sit down conversation with some family, over dinner or just a drink.

24. Sex- 2 kids, 1 husband who works 60+ hours a week. Need I say more?

25. Presentable House- Our house is clean, but lived in. I take pride in that. There are things on the counters and toys on the floor, the kitchen sink sometimes has dishes in it, the bathroom sink probably has toothpaste in it or on it. If I dropped a something on the floor reasonably I would be willing to eat it. It does drive Eric crazy when someone comes over and the little things aren't taken care of (not at me for not doing it, he shares in the household cleaning). I'd like to find a once a day schedule to have all surfaces wiped down and things mostly put away.

26. Patience- I am not one known for my patience, I tend to be impatient and short tempered with Eric and Kenz. I don't like that I act that way but it's just me. Always has been, but I can change, and I will, I want to be a better person and a better example for my kids.

27. Relax- This one is sort of silly but I want to be able to just chill out and not worry about what has to be done or what I should be doing because it is ok if I have 5 minutes of time where I am not doing something!

28. Vacation- Plan a vacation doesn't have to be in my 28th year but plan it and starting scheduling things/reserving things, I (we) need a good GOOD vacation. Spend a ton of time researching where we are going and things to do.

I do realize that some of these are more life goals than goals to accomplish in my 28th year, but they are things that I want to think about it and to continue to change, starting now. I do have to say I apologize for bad spelling, grammar. I'm afraid to go back and re-read this right now (for fear of chickening out) so I'm just gonna post it and read it again in a few hours!

I'd love thoughts and ideas on anything on my list!


Saturday, September 1, 2012

Mackenzie's Birth Story

I've been seriously slacking on my blog, like bad. Being pregnant w/ baby #2 really makes me want to get K's birth story down though, I know it is a day I will never forget but don't want the details to get murky after going through labor and delivery a second time. Plus she is 2 now so its probably time. Here goes nothing!

Me at 39 weeks pregnant on July 1st, 2010.
Diving right in, I had my 39 week o/b checkup July 2nd, everything was great I was 1 1/2- 2 cm dilated and things looked great. I woke up at 6:30 a.m. on July 3rd having weird stomach twinges. I had no idea what it was but then I started to realize they were pretty consistent. I kept an eye on the clock and they were exactly 5 minutes apart. It was Saturday so we were sleeping in.  At 7 I woke Eric up and told him we probably needed to go for a walk(hoping to either make the contractions worse or make them go away). He asked me if it could wait so he could sleep for another hour and I said no I think we need to go now. He asked if I was ok and I told him I wasn't sure. We got up threw on some clothes and walked down the road to the neighbors barn once we got there I realized how uncomfortable I was with the stomach pains, heat and being hugely pregnant. We turned around and came back home and I hopped in the shower.

The contractions never changed their times they were always less than 5 minutes apart. This also happened to be the weekend that Eric was on call (of course) but all 4 of his employees were on alert that if I went into labor someone was going to have to cover for him. Of course as soon as I got out of the shower his pager went off. I went pee and was having a little bit of bleeding. I knew at that point it was time to call the hospital and see what they thought. I called and the L&D nurse told me it was probably best if I came in and get monitored for a little bit. Eric spent the next 1/2 hour trying to find someone to to take the call and cover the rest of the weekend for him. This was NOT good for my mental state. I was starting to lose my shit so I just grabbed my bag and told Eric to get in the car he could figure it out while we were at the hospital. I'm getting ahead of myself though, while he was in the shower I called our parents- mine were going four wheeling for the day, I asked them to not go to far and to please stay in cell reception area (we do live in Vermont so that's not always easy). They said they would. I called Eric's Mom who was haying and told her to keep checking the phone just in case.

When we were 5 minutes from the hospital one of Eric's co-workers called and was more than happy to take the call and to cover the rest of the weekend, we both had a sigh of relief at that. When we got to the hospital we went up to L&D and they made me change into one of those hideous hospital gowns where your ass hangs out... luckily (or not) they gave me 2, one for each side. How thoughtful huh? The nurse (who was amazing and I can NEVER remember her name) check me and I was still only 2 cm dilated but my contractions were very regular. They monitored me for 15 minutes before the Dr (who was not my Dr but the on call Dr) showed up and he checked me again, we talked because he wanted me hooked up for another 15 minutes or so and in that time I could decide if I wanted to go labor at home or if I wanted to stay at the hospital OR he suggested I go hang out at the parade (it was the 3rd of July). At this point I looked at him like he was f*&^ing crazy. It was 100 degrees outside, I was having contractions every 5 minutes or less apart and he thought I wanted to go stand and watch the parade? Um, no thank you, crazy sir. I told him I would feel more comfortable hanging out at the hospital for another hour or so and then re-evaluating at that point. He was fine with that and he left at 10. Eric and I walked the halls and bounced on a exercise ball and basically kept moving.

At 11 the nurse asked to check me again. I laid down, he checked me and asked the Dr to come back in. They were both glad I had stayed because I had dilated from 2-6 in less than an hour. (This is the part where some of you are getting jealous that this was going to be a fast and easy delivery.... easy yes, fast? Not so much). Dr. S stated at that point that I really needed to stay so we called our families and told them that today would likely be the day. I had sent out a mass text to my friends on the way to the hospital with a tentative "this might be it" notification. At this point I sent out another and said this was very likely it. They hooked me up to the IV (yuck) because I had tested positive for group B strep so I had no choice unfortunately.

So after getting checked and monitored some more we proceed to walk, walk, walk, bounce, walk some more, climbed in the tub a bit. My parents stopped in to say hi and then left and just told us to stay in touch. We knew when it came to "go time" we wanted it to just be us in the room. The nurse continued to check me every hour or so but progress had slowed quite a bit. I laid down to (try to) rest for awhile.
At around 3:30ish I was having a rough time this was probably the worst part of labor for me. My body was trying to push and the Dr was telling me that I couldn't because there was something that wasn't fully disengaged from the babies head yet. I fought my way through that and at about 4 the Dr broke my water. That was the weirdest sensation ever. I hated just laying there while the nurses were soaking up all of the fluid and feeling like I really couldn't do anything for myself. The got most of it cleaned up and the Dr gave me the go ahead to start pushing. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed. This for me was kind of an out of body experience I think. I was so exhausted at this point. Eric tells me that he is pretty sure that I was pushing, falling asleep and only waking back up to push again. This is all sort of a blur to me, I remember thinking that if I laid there and pretended that I didn't feel the contractions that maybe they would let me rest for a minute. I also remember asking for water and choking on it EVERY time I took a drink. Eric kept a cold wash cloth on my face and he and the nurse held me legs.
At 7pm my nurse went off duty and I remembering crying asking her to please stay she had been with me all day and she was AMAZING I cannot say enough good things about her. She asked me at one point during the day if I wanted pain meds and I said no we were going to try and do it naturally. She told me that would be the first and last time she would mention it but if I changed my mind to tell her. I LOVED her for this. I didn't want someone pushing drugs on me and she didn't. Anyway, she explained to me that she really wished she could stay but she had 2 little boys at daycare that needed to be picked up and fed and put to bed. I of course understood this, I still hated it but I understood. So they swapped nurses I was much less impressed with the second nurse (more to come in a minute). So I continued pushing, finally at 9:05(?) the Dr gave me a shot and grabbed the knife for an episotomy. This was something that was in my birth plan, if I needed it done I wanted it done, plain and simple. I had a friend who had torn horribly during labor and I didn't want to deal with that. Judge away. I remember my last push I could FEEL the baby coming out and was so relieved as the Dr was telling me to stop pushing (I think I was slightly crazy at this point and just said hell no, there is no stopping this time) and at 9:11 p.m. on July 3rd, Mackenzie Alexis made us parents and a family of 3. Also, if you are keeping track? I pushed for FOUR HOURS!
Here is where I have to take a minute and so how friggin AMAZING my husband was this whole day. Eric is very queasy when it comes to blood, someone being in pain or anything like that. Which is hilarious if you consider the fact that he grew up on a farm. However, he never left my side the whole entire day. He watched the Dr cut me, watched me poop (yes ladies, everyone poops while pushing), watched me push a kid out of my vagina and NEVER once fainted or felt faint. BUT the MOMENT (and I mean MOMENT) the Dr laid that baby on my belly he looked at me completely white, hooked his foot to the chair behind him and fell into it saying "I think I need to sit down now". Hilarious. Seriously, probably one of the best parts of the day. At this point I had gotten my adrenaline rush and had all my energy back so I just laughed at him. Moving on...
The Dr. laid the baby on my and we just stared in awe. Then Eric looked at me and said wait, what is it? I laughed, I think most Dr's (and nurses) expect everyone to know the gender of their baby before delivery, we did not. She hadn't cooperated at the one (and only) ultrasound we had. While I was laughing I was thinking I had heard the Dr say "she" and the nurse say look at "her" hair. So I looked at him and said I think its a girl! We had both been sure it was a boy. We looked to the Dr for confirmation and he laughed and said it most certainly is a little girl. When I delivered her we had the o/b, his 2 nurses, the pediatrician and her nurse because she had pooped earlier in the day and they wanted to make sure she was fine. I delivered the placenta and got stitched up essentially with no recollection. I remember the Dr telling me to tell him if I felt him down there and I said he did and he gave me another shot and I felt nothing else. We got her to latch on right away and the pediatrician checked her out from afar saying that she looked great. We were all able to relax for a bit before they checked her out and weighed her and then Daddy got to hold her for the first time.
At this point it was like 12 a.m., I got up to pee and was so shaky the nurse was worried about me, I told her I was just really hungry. I had eaten lunch at like 11:30 and nothing since. She remembered that they had left me a dinner tray in the fridge so she brought that in along with our parents who had been waiting in the waiting room for HOURS (they are awesome you guys), Daddy wasn't giving up baby girl so everyone had to peek over his shoulder to meet her. Thankfully no one stayed very long and Daddy was able to give K a bath with the nurse while I ate. This is the part where the nurse just unimpressed me, first of all (and these are all very petty things mostly) she was horrible at holding my legs while I was pushing, very wimpy, letting them flop around. She and Daddy were giving K a bath and she was telling another nurse how sick she was and she didn't know why she came into work. UM HELLO BITCH you work L&D with newborns, if you are sick keep your ass home. Someone must have told her and after K's bath we didn't see her again. We got moved and settled into a non delivery room and everyone tried to get some sleep and this pretty much ends her birth story. Oh except you probably want to see a picture of the beautiful girl huh?
Mackenzie Alexis Maxwell
July 3rd, 2010
7 lbs 11.9 ounces
19 1/2 inches long

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Removing Temptation

One of the things I agreed to do on our saving money journey was to unsubscribe from "sale" emails.... this one guys? KILLS ME! I want deals! It is way to much temptation for me though to buy things we DO NOT need. But those cute little outfits for Kenz? Or those hot boots for me? Yeah.... don't need them. Wouldn't even know about them if I didn't get the stupid emails in the first place.

I am going to stay subscribed to:
-Wal-mart (actually home goods we MIGHT really need)
-Carter's (come on, I can't quit Carter's! The cute!)
- Price Chopper (food actually is in our new budget... shocker, right?!)
-No More Rack (I can't quit it yet, I have to be weaned from this one)
-Coupon emails (we still need to eat people!)

I have let my emails pile up for a few days cause I wanted to have a do it all at once session while Kenz is napping. I have 133 emails to unsubscribe from and I am even doing the ones that go to my spam box.... I want to see no "fliers".

If my husband were here he would be so proud. Go me!

My next goal? Getting rid of drama via Facebook.... cutting back my friends list!

Monday, January 2, 2012


I'm going to start our saving money plan by cutting back on laundry. No, not cutting back on actually DOING laundry, by starting to dry all of our clothes on a wooden rack and fluffing them in the dryer. I'm also hoping to convince hubby to put up a clothes line in the spring! Nothing better than clothes dried outside in fresh spring/summer air! This will probably mean clothes will need to be ironed more, and since I've never done that, another learning lesson! I got an awesome iron for my bridal shower oh about 4 years ago and I've never used it. Oops. Good excuse to start right? I am getting an inexpensive ironing board also ($11 table top board from Amazon).

We are also washing everything in cold water to save money on heating hot water and therefore propane.

I am going make my own laundry detergent, but not use it immediately because we have an almost brand new bottle of detergent. The "recipe" I found online for laundry detergent calls for:
  • 1 bar of laundry soap (Fels Naptha, Zote or Ivory)
  • 1 box Borax
  • 1 box of washing soda
  • Essential oil of your choice, I'm gonna try peppermint and lavender (not together).

Once you have all of these items, you  mix together:
  • 1 cup of soap
  • 1/2 cup washing soda
  • 1/2 cup of borax
  • Few drops of essential oil
Use 1 tablespoon for light loads and 2 for heavy loads.

Cost breakdown looks like this:

Soap $1.09 a bar (3 cups shaved),
Borax $4.19 for a 4 lbs box,
Washing soda 55 oz $3.59

I don't have any essential oil (though I have ordered some), but I am thinking that I will not use it, this stuff smells yummy just the way it is. We found all of these items in our local grocery store, I was planning on buying them from Amazon but it was MUCH more expensive on there than at the local store, shame shame Amazon!

The finished product?

I'm sure that I was supposed to put it in the food processor and blend it up, but I got out the food processor and it didn't work, so this will have to do. I tried it out on one load of laundry last night and it seems to work great! Clothes are clean and smell good too. 

I am doing these things in hopes of saving money, saving wear and tear on clothes (hence saving even more money!). I found this neat website that has formulas for costs of electricity. If you run your dryer approximately 4 hours per day (this is probably a bit overkill in our case but nonetheless) it saves you $192 a year. That doesn't sound like a lot but I am 26, lets say I do laundry until I'm 80 (we can only hope) that's 54 years. $192 for 54 years is a total savings of $10368, that is CRAZY, do you know what you can do with $10000 over the course of your lifetime? Many many things, starting with a college fund for Kenzie!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Back in the saddle....

I've been going back and forth deciding if I really want to keep this blog going. I don't lead a very interesting life so I don't always never have any good "material" to write about. However, recently due to unforeseen circumstances we've taken a good hard look at our budget and where our money is going. This prompted me to take a look at DIY projects and things I could make myself instead of buying in the store. Examples? Laundry detergent, household cleaners, yogurt (Kenz eats a ton and it adds up quick!), christmas gifts, etc.

This blog had actually got me thinking about it before. Allison is extremely down to earth and her kids are adorable too!  It really helped me think of ways to get started and what I we could do. I love the idea of debt free living. Do I think it is realistic? Yes absolutely, however I also believe that you will "always" (like for 20-30 years) have a mortgage so that kind of negates the debt free living to me. Though we are lucky we have no credit card debt and the loans we do have are small. Neither of us has college loans or anything like that, yes losers that didn't go to college over here! We planned a lot when we decided to have a baby and had quite a bit of money set aside for an emergency fund and had both of our vehicles paid for. THEN the baby came along and we realized we needed a bigger car and.... etc, etc. We also sold our house bought a bigger (more expensive, but thank goodness for a good downpayment from our "emergency" fund, plus equity in our first home) house and the list goes on.

Moving on, I also looked meal planning(which we have successfully done before and I love it), couponing (which I don't have a good handle on yet), etc. Meal planning isn't easy for us, 99% of the time I don't start cooking until Eric has actually walked IN the door. It never seems to fail if I start cooking before he is home, he calls to say he is going to be late. Yes he works *that* kind of job. Its annoying but I've come to terms with it. So I would say at least 1-2 nights a week he is late so we keep frozen foods or boxed meals on hand for these nights, because they are quick and easy, and give us more time together as a family.  Anyway I love meal planning, I love knowing what we are cooking so we have everything on hand and not playing the game every day where we talk about what we are going to eat for an 1/2 hour before we decide and start cooking.

So what I would like to do with my blog is share these things with you, what we are doing to save money, the recipes for meals as well as cleaning supplies, my fails (because I will have many!) with trying all of these new things and how we get to where we want to be financially! Which is debt free! Isn't that what everyone wants?!

So to sum it up the things we are going to be doing and trying to do are:
  • Meal planning
  • Sticking to a (strict) budget
  • Making our own cleaning supplies
  • Making our own food we would normally buy (yogurt, possibly pasta, etc)
  • Looking at where we shop - what we can buy with coupons vs whats on sale vs dollar store, etc
  • Stopping the impulse buys. Me=GUILTY
  • Looking at need vs want
Hope you will join us on our journey and any tips, thoughts, comments are much appreciated!!!!

Friday, November 4, 2011

My Daughter's Guardian Angel

Throughout my whole entire pregnancy, I was convinced I was having a boy. Absolutely sure of it, one of my best friends and I were both pregnant together, due within a month of each other. I was certain we were both having little boys, we were carrying the same, all belly for both of us. So when her baby boy was born May 31st, I was 100% certain I was also having a little boy.

My husband was sure baby was going to be born on July 2nd (my due date was July 9th). Me? I was positive it was going to be a July 4th baby, what better present every year? You get the day off, fireworks, parades, bbq's. It would be the best. So when I went into labor on July 3rd, I thought our baby is already teaching us to compromise.

15 hours of labor later, we had a happy healthy? No one told us, no one said one word regarding the gender of our baby (we had never been able to see on the ultrasound with any certainty. The baby was 60% boy the Dr told us). I didn't not think about this one little bit, I was just happy it was over. Until my husband asked wait, what is it? Then it dawned on me I had heard the nurse say, look at HER hair, and the Dr say SHE'S perfect. I realized then that it was a girl. I was completely shocked and VERY happy. I didn't care either way as long as our baby was healthy, and she was! Oh was she, 7 lbs 11oz of healthy. I was 108 lbs when I got pregnant if that tells you what I was feeling after almost 8 lbs of baby.

Anyway, moral to my story? My daughter was born July 3rd, 2011, 31 years to the DAY that my mother's twin sister drowned at 17 years old. I didn't know this until weeks after my daughter was born. My Dad told me that my Mom had said to him when I found out I was pregnant, she KNEW I was having a girl and she KNEW she was going to be born on July 3rd. Goosebumps anyone? I have no doubt in my mind that my Aunt Mary that I never got to meet is keeping a wonderful eye on my little sweetheart, just like she did me when I was growing up.

Thank you Aunt Mary for keeping us both safe and happy. I think of you often and wonder what might have been if I had 2 "Mommy's" growing up.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Trying to Conceive....again?

I hate this topic, I hate that its not easy for us, I hate that I have to write about it on my blog because I have no one in my "real" life I can talk to about it (besides my husband that is). Its embarrassing, its depressing and it makes me sad. Here's our story:

We got married in June 2008, decided that we wanted to start trying to have a baby "soon". In January 2009, or possibly earlier,( I don't remember, I didn't keep track, thought it was going to be easy, right?!). Anyway, I threw away my birth control pills. Never thought, man this might be hard for us. My period was NEVER regular when I went off my birth control, maybe it wasn't before I went on birth control?. I was one of the lucky ones that never started menstruating until I was 15. 

I wasn't on birth control, my periods weren't regular but still I didn't worry. Then I went to the OB/GYN for my yearly in July or August and told him some of what was going on. At this point I had done dozens of pregnancy test, cause every month I didn't menstruate I thought this must be it. So I got disappointed every time, I didn't tell my husband I was testing, I was embarrassed. The Dr decided to test me for this and that and everything else. He decided to test my husband, the verdict? Nothing wrong with either of you.

He decided he wanted me to try to provera and clomid. This was now October, we had been TTC for almost a year. Two of my really good friends were pregnant, one due in December and one in May. My best friend just found out she was pregnant (due in May also) and I told her how happy I was for her when she called and hung up the phone and cried for hours. I was heartbroken, it was "easy" for them. Even though it wasn't really easy for them, they were the ones that WERE pregnant. One of them the baby was an unplanned, but much loved and wanted. The other mom conceived with Polycystic ovary syndrome, she was told it would be nearly impossible for her to get pregnant and was pregnant a month later. How fair was it that I had nothing wrong and she did and she still got pregnant first? My best friend? Just decided to start trying and a month later bam.... she was pregnant. I resented them all, I never told them, but I did.

So lets talk about family, friends, strangers and THE question, "When are you going to have a baby? You're married what are you waiting for?". See I never thought much of these questions until we couldn't get pregnant and they continued to ask these questions ALL the time. It hurts, these questions, the lies we told people because one person in the whole entire world knew we were trying to get pregnant (besides us obviously). So hiding the Dr's appointments and hiding the hurt and the heartache was not easy.

I started the provera, Dr told me that I should start my period on Saturday, Monday at the latest, then a few days later (or however long) start taking the clomid. Well I never got my period, so I thought Tuesday when I got up that since I was going to call the Dr that day, I might as well take a pregnancy test because I knew that was going to be one of the first questions they asked. Guess what? It was positive, I was so EXCITED and so happy! My husband and I work together so I got ready as fast as I could (he was already at work) so I could get there early before everyone else and I pulled him aside and told him what I had found out. His response? I don't believe it, must be something the drugs are doing to your body. For those of you that are saying wow what an ass, don't, he wasn't wrong. This wasn't anything I hadn't already told myself while I was getting ready and driving to work. I just wanted it so bad I was going to ignore all the what-ifs, he wasn't.

I called and made an appointment, made up a lie why I needed to leave work, husband snuck out of work and met me at the Dr's. They did another pregnancy test and confirmed that we were in fact pregnant. We found out on my Mother's birthday that we were going to be having a baby. They gave us a due date of 6/22/10.

It was the best day of our lives, but even then it was taken away from us some because it was a long hard road getting there and even the joy of having a positive pregnancy test was taken away.

So you ask, why am I talking about this now? When I have a beautiful healthy 16 month old (TODAY!) baby girl? We want another beautiful, happy, healthy baby. We are in the same boat we were two years ago. Never a regular period, I've had 2 since I had Mackenzie and have stopped breastfeeding(in July). One "natural", one because the Dr wanted to try provera again to see if it would "kick start" my cycle back into drive. That gave me one period, if I was going to have a normal 28 day cycle I should have had another one about 3 weeks ago. I haven't been on birth control since February. The Dr wants to try clomid, my husband says no. If we can't do it naturally we can't do it at all. I'm confused, I want another baby, but maybe its not meant to be?

Here's is my TMI, diarrhea of the mouth post, but how many of you out there have felt this way? Or are you one of the ones it was easy for?