Thursday, November 3, 2011

Trying to Conceive....again?

I hate this topic, I hate that its not easy for us, I hate that I have to write about it on my blog because I have no one in my "real" life I can talk to about it (besides my husband that is). Its embarrassing, its depressing and it makes me sad. Here's our story:

We got married in June 2008, decided that we wanted to start trying to have a baby "soon". In January 2009, or possibly earlier,( I don't remember, I didn't keep track, thought it was going to be easy, right?!). Anyway, I threw away my birth control pills. Never thought, man this might be hard for us. My period was NEVER regular when I went off my birth control, maybe it wasn't before I went on birth control?. I was one of the lucky ones that never started menstruating until I was 15. 

I wasn't on birth control, my periods weren't regular but still I didn't worry. Then I went to the OB/GYN for my yearly in July or August and told him some of what was going on. At this point I had done dozens of pregnancy test, cause every month I didn't menstruate I thought this must be it. So I got disappointed every time, I didn't tell my husband I was testing, I was embarrassed. The Dr decided to test me for this and that and everything else. He decided to test my husband, the verdict? Nothing wrong with either of you.

He decided he wanted me to try to provera and clomid. This was now October, we had been TTC for almost a year. Two of my really good friends were pregnant, one due in December and one in May. My best friend just found out she was pregnant (due in May also) and I told her how happy I was for her when she called and hung up the phone and cried for hours. I was heartbroken, it was "easy" for them. Even though it wasn't really easy for them, they were the ones that WERE pregnant. One of them the baby was an unplanned, but much loved and wanted. The other mom conceived with Polycystic ovary syndrome, she was told it would be nearly impossible for her to get pregnant and was pregnant a month later. How fair was it that I had nothing wrong and she did and she still got pregnant first? My best friend? Just decided to start trying and a month later bam.... she was pregnant. I resented them all, I never told them, but I did.

So lets talk about family, friends, strangers and THE question, "When are you going to have a baby? You're married what are you waiting for?". See I never thought much of these questions until we couldn't get pregnant and they continued to ask these questions ALL the time. It hurts, these questions, the lies we told people because one person in the whole entire world knew we were trying to get pregnant (besides us obviously). So hiding the Dr's appointments and hiding the hurt and the heartache was not easy.

I started the provera, Dr told me that I should start my period on Saturday, Monday at the latest, then a few days later (or however long) start taking the clomid. Well I never got my period, so I thought Tuesday when I got up that since I was going to call the Dr that day, I might as well take a pregnancy test because I knew that was going to be one of the first questions they asked. Guess what? It was positive, I was so EXCITED and so happy! My husband and I work together so I got ready as fast as I could (he was already at work) so I could get there early before everyone else and I pulled him aside and told him what I had found out. His response? I don't believe it, must be something the drugs are doing to your body. For those of you that are saying wow what an ass, don't, he wasn't wrong. This wasn't anything I hadn't already told myself while I was getting ready and driving to work. I just wanted it so bad I was going to ignore all the what-ifs, he wasn't.

I called and made an appointment, made up a lie why I needed to leave work, husband snuck out of work and met me at the Dr's. They did another pregnancy test and confirmed that we were in fact pregnant. We found out on my Mother's birthday that we were going to be having a baby. They gave us a due date of 6/22/10.

It was the best day of our lives, but even then it was taken away from us some because it was a long hard road getting there and even the joy of having a positive pregnancy test was taken away.

So you ask, why am I talking about this now? When I have a beautiful healthy 16 month old (TODAY!) baby girl? We want another beautiful, happy, healthy baby. We are in the same boat we were two years ago. Never a regular period, I've had 2 since I had Mackenzie and have stopped breastfeeding(in July). One "natural", one because the Dr wanted to try provera again to see if it would "kick start" my cycle back into drive. That gave me one period, if I was going to have a normal 28 day cycle I should have had another one about 3 weeks ago. I haven't been on birth control since February. The Dr wants to try clomid, my husband says no. If we can't do it naturally we can't do it at all. I'm confused, I want another baby, but maybe its not meant to be?

Here's is my TMI, diarrhea of the mouth post, but how many of you out there have felt this way? Or are you one of the ones it was easy for?


Sarah B. said...

what a moving post. its amazing things you hide because of embarressment. we have been asked the baby question a lot lately as well. for emma it took us just 1 month. this time around its taking a lot longer. I even thought I was pregnant at one time, taking 8 tests at home (all negative) before going to the dr. I went almost 2 months without having a period. and man, does that mess with your brain. my period has finally started back up, so we are trying again. I hope all works out for you as well!

Jessica said...

Thanks Sarah. It's a hard thing to talk about. We have been too, some people have no idea how hard it is and what a tough subject it is for people. Wow, you were lucky with Emma! It does, even being a few days late messes with you, or like for me its NEVER regular, but seems to be back on track now, crossing my fingers. I'll be thinking of you, waiting to hear the good news and hoping to share some as well!

NS said...

Wow- this is like the mirror image of my deal. I now have a 15 month old and am 4 months pregnant but it took forever to get pregnant w the 15mo. I tried Clomid- it made me crazy- so I switched to Chaste tree berry for the 1st 14 days of my cycle (it's like natural Clomid). Then I did a special diet (I've always been slim but w blood sugar issues) based on Jeremy Groll's Fertility Foods book. Finally, I did acupuncture. Less than a month after starting acupuncture we were pregnant. Good luck!